I know you feel hip wearing your extra-extra large and bugish sunglasses indoors at 8pm, but in reality it makes you look so inebriated that instead of pulling out a cute party dress, you unknowingly chose a blue polyester 1980s masterpiece from the back of your mom’s closet. I will suggest that the next time you choose to warm-up, that you not sit two feet from the counter and that you not choose a song with a range that is far too large for your normal vocal abilities. Before you started singing, I could honestly say that I still enjoyed the song Hallelujah …the one originally penned by Leonard Cohen in 1984. Sunglasses aside, this rendition is what made me ask the honest question, “How drunk is this girl?” Even Rufus Wainwright has better diction. If the covered song in question was from, oh let’s say, the 10th or 11th century, I could understand why you would feel the need to have drastic increases in pitch coincide with drastic rises in volume. But as this is a song from the 1984 (same year as that blue tarp you are wearing?), this is not the case. And due to the intimate nature of the song, this is also not the case. If I ever hear you belt the higher parts of Hallelujah ever again, I will roll up a newspaper, smack you on your nose and tell you to go to your crate. I will admit, you have a decent sense of pitch and excellent projection. The next Disney musical will welcome you with open arms. And the good news is, you don’t even have to practice. They have hoards of sound folks to make up for any of your shortcomings. But until the next Disney scout comes to Fair Trade coffee house, I would suggest not turning things up to an 11 when there are only 11 people in your audience. 11 people who are holding meetings, writing emails and basically just minding their own damn business. Wait- I just noticed something- you were playing the guitar this entire time? Or are you just holding it? Nope, you are indeed playing the guitar.
“Well, Jim, I seemed to have found the problem… you need to pick up a liter of Balance over there at the vocal parts store down the road…”
Well, it’s time for me to go, but as I do, I have one last bit of advice:
For the of love peace and all things intelligible- stop listening to Bob Dylan.
I’m not going to go back and read what I’ve said about Cortona so far- so if I happen to repeat myself, get over it.
I am so thankful that I started my tour d’Italia in a small town. And I mean a small town. If you spent one long day in Cortona, you just might have enough time to hit the museums, a majority of the shops, stop at the Duomo eat at one or two restaurants and fit in as many espressos and as much gelato as needed. I loved every minute there- even the long, uphill walk from Hotel Oasi Neumann into town. If you go to Flufluns, order the pear, walnut and gorganzola pizza- but do NOT order the house bianco frizante- (or however you are supposed to say “white sparling wine”) just get an Orangina and call it wonderful. I heard Preludio was great, but a little pricey (Disclaimer: Cortona is not expensive. Pricey in Cortona would be considered cheap in Rome.) There is a market with clothes and fresh fruits and freshly slain wild boar on Saturdays and an extensive flea market on Sundays. I am still swimming in images from that flea market. Ivory pipes, vintage hand coffee grinders, WWII gas masks, beautiful and expensive pocket watches (I examined one and it seemed justly priced), piles of decaying books, hand-written orchestra scores by some dead and frogotten composer, tunisian bagpipes, piles of beads and sunglasses… it was awesome. I hope Pavia has something similar to offer. The food was great, the company was always wonderful and the music couldn’t have been more perfect for this festival. The competition was friendly, the conversations were lively and the laughter rang out into the cool, Italian night air. That is, until the hotel put up signs saying that no more glass bottles were allowed on the patio. Ooops.
********************
Are you satisfied with your experience at the Cortona Sessions for New Music? YES
Would you recommend the Cortona Sessions to friends and family members? YES
Are you planning to attend the Cortona Sessions next season? YES
On a scale of 1-10 (1 being very dissatisfied and 10 being very satisfied), how would you rate the directors and instructors at the Cortona Sessions? 11
8AM
We are taken into The City. We are given a ration of tokens to buy food and the possible black-market weapon. We are all under cover, hoping to not expose our lack of knowledge about the culture or language of this place.
We make our way to the museum. I am astounded. Some of us at The Cortona Sessions had parents that also fought for the cause and they guide us around the museum. We are speachless as we see the products from earlier cilivizations- people who did not know internet, electric violins, nuttella, iPads, or those really big plastic watches.
We are exhausted from the trip, and after a meal of tidbits found on the side of the road, we head back home. That is what we now call the compond- home.
DAY 5
We meet with all of the leaders for various training sessions. Although our areas of expertise vary- some of us are skilled in very different techniques. There are those who practice, high, shrill battle-cries that warn us of the oncoming enemy and encourage us during battle. These are mostly the women, but it does not mean they are not fearce fighters. Some of us write out detailed strategic battle plans and research our opponant. We must be very clear and precise, lest our armies turn on us for lack of planning and knowledge. Some of us are skilled in heavier weaponry- with explosions so loud and powerful it will make you cower and weep.
DAY 6
6PM
We are ready. We have trained hard. We have worked and discussed battle plans until the early hours of the morning. Only adrenaline and instant coffee from the beverage robot keep us going during the day. But tonight- we will sparr- we will yell- we will set loose some of our deamons. It will be a night of glory.
I went to a flea market in Cortona this afternoon. It was covered with old gadgets, pottery and jewelry. Among the many gems were an old (I mean old, metal and heavy) diving helmet, gas masks from the 40s and a set of Tunisian Bagpipes. I kid you not- the bag looks like a pig that has been turned inside out. It’s great. I’ll let you know how things go once I start practicing.
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