I know you feel hip wearing your extra-extra large and bugish sunglasses indoors at 8pm, but in reality it makes you look so inebriated that instead of pulling out a cute party dress, you unknowingly chose a blue polyester 1980s masterpiece from the back of your mom’s closet. I will suggest that the next time you choose to warm-up, that you not sit two feet from the counter and that you not choose a song with a range that is far too large for your normal vocal abilities. Before you started singing, I could honestly say that I still enjoyed the song Hallelujah …the one originally penned by Leonard Cohen in 1984. Sunglasses aside, this rendition is what made me ask the honest question, “How drunk is this girl?” Even Rufus Wainwright has better diction. If the covered song in question was from, oh let’s say, the 10th or 11th century, I could understand why you would feel the need to have drastic increases in pitch coincide with drastic rises in volume. But as this is a song from the 1984 (same year as that blue tarp you are wearing?), this is not the case. And due to the intimate nature of the song, this is also not the case. If I ever hear you belt the higher parts of Hallelujah ever again, I will roll up a newspaper, smack you on your nose and tell you to go to your crate. I will admit, you have a decent sense of pitch and excellent projection. The next Disney musical will welcome you with open arms. And the good news is, you don’t even have to practice. They have hoards of sound folks to make up for any of your shortcomings. But until the next Disney scout comes to Fair Trade coffee house, I would suggest not turning things up to an 11 when there are only 11 people in your audience. 11 people who are holding meetings, writing emails and basically just minding their own damn business. Wait- I just noticed something- you were playing the guitar this entire time? Or are you just holding it? Nope, you are indeed playing the guitar.
“Well, Jim, I seemed to have found the problem… you need to pick up a liter of Balance over there at the vocal parts store down the road…”
Well, it’s time for me to go, but as I do, I have one last bit of advice:

For the of love peace and all things intelligible- stop listening to Bob Dylan.